If you’re already a mom or a mommy to be, we’re willing to bet you’ve spent some time on a mommy forum, reading mommy blogs, or joining one of the millions of Facebook mom groups and meet-ups. If so, you’ve surely noticed by now that there’s an entire language out there of mom-related terminology, that has been carefully crafted into acronyms, and you’ve probably spent some time googling, guessing, and asking yourself, seriously, WTF?!? We have no clue who came up with most of them (or when, or why) but we’re sick of seeing them, because (IMHO) they’re lame and, well, we thought we could do better. So before you get frustrated AF, shake your head, or start ROTFLOL, we’ve taken the liberty of changing the game, by re-writing some of those mom acronyms that we love to hate.
The New and Improved Mom Group Acronyms, AF!
(yes, we know ‘AF’ doesn’t work at the end of every sentence, but it feels so good).
DH = Dear Husband.
Seriously, who actually describes their man in this nauseating way? And what about the single mamas out there? Or the LGBTQ mamas? Whoever came up with this one was just ignorant and insensitive. There, we said it.
So here’s a neutral alternative that everyone can relate to, regardless of relationship status; Sperm Donor (SD). Use it. Enjoy it. You’re welcome.
DD, DS = Dear Daughter, Dear Son.
Again, does anyone really say ’dear’ unless they’re writing a letter… in the 1800’s?
From this point forward we shall refer to our children as GS and BS, aka. Girl Spawn and Boy Spawn. When referring to your youngest, or LO (Little One) it is now preferable to say YS (Youngest Spawn), or OS (Oldest Spawn).
AF = Aunt Flo.
Why are we sugar-coating our periods to sound like some sweet old lady who bakes cookies and enjoys needlepoint?
For most of us, periods are painful and bloody (and our partners should be very very afraid). So let’s call it what is is – Shark Week (SW). When referring to your LMP (last menstrual period), you may now substitute with LSW (Last Shark Week).
EBF = Exclusively Breast Fed.
I’m pretty sure this one was made up strictly to shame formula-feeding moms, which is extremely uncool. Is the ‘E’ really even necessary?!? We get it, you are perfect, and doing everything right, and your shit smells like organic granola. But not every mom (or baby, for that matter) is able to breast-feed, and that is perfectly ok. So let’s not be assholes about it.
From now on, you (EBF users) will henceforth be known as a JSM (Judgy Super Mom) with your STB (Strictly Titty Babe) in tow – not to be confused with formula fed (FF) babies, or as we’re rebranding them, BSB (Bottle Service Babes) – sounds way cooler, doesn’t it?!
DTD = Doing the deed.
This one goes hand in hand with TTC (trying to conceive) aka. Baby Dancing. Aka. GROSS! At this point it’s safe to say we all know how babies are made, so let’s cut the junior-highschool crap.
If you’re doing it for the sake of doing it, you’re just SF (straight fucking). If you’re hoping to spawn, and your SD is making a deposit, then you’re Sperm Banking (SB), all of which is probably TMI.
VBAC = Vaginal Birth After Cesarian
Does anyone else find it almost uncanny that this one sounds so much like HVAC (as in, heating, ventilation, and air conditioning)? Just sayin…
FTM = Full Time Mom.
Wait… is there such thing as a part-time mom? Like, one who only responds to cries 20 hours per week (and never on stat days)? Maybe we missed that memo, so excuse us when we say, GTFOH! Even if she has joint custody, and she literally only sees her kids 50% of the time, we all know there is no way to turn our mom-brains off, and we’re fairly certain the mom-guilt is already eating her alive… so can we stop with the JMD (Judgy-Mama-Drama) please?!?
Whether she’s an FTM, a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom), a WAHM (Work At Home Mom), or a badass MILF oozing cougar sauce, the common denominator is the same – Mom with a capital ‘M’. You may also feel free to refer to her as the HBIC (Head Bitch In Charge).
FMU (First Morning Urine) & POAS (Peeing On A Stick).
Come on ladies. Do we really need an acronym for either of these terms? How often are you in that much of a rush, that you need a faster way to describe your piss (or the time of day you took said piss, for that matter)? We get it, there are more hormones early in the morning, blah blah blah.
Do us all a favour; if you find yourself typing either of these acronyms into a forum, group, or chat (or if any of the above actually offended you), please just stop and ask yourself…
“Am I a POS?” (Hint: dirty diaper).